My name is Josh Loewen, and I'm the coolest person in Vancouver.
Please continue reading if you’re prepared for how cool things can get.
Rad tattoos and a leather jacket? No thank you! This cool, balding dad has the game on lock by:
- Wearing sensible pants
- Going to bed early
- Doing technical SEO for fun
- We’re talking about Vancouver, Canada, not Vancouver, Washington. (Get your own name)
- This page is an SEO joke (the best kind of humour available)
- I ripped this idea off from a guy in Nashville
I complied data to support my statements made on this page and plotted them on the graph. The data was collected by asking myself how cool I was every day at around noon. The results lead to two important conclusions:
- Josh Loewen is the coolest person in Vancouver
- I didn’t start off very cool (Nerd baby)
As you can see on the left, there is an indisputable increase in coolness over time. Adding additional time, the coolness increases further. Not enough time has passed in order to determine the global maximum point of coolness. It could be that when provided an infinite amount of time the coolness does not decrease.
An expert's guide on being cool.
Below is my 8 step program on how you, no not you the one I’m pointing at. Yeah, yeah, you. YOU can become cool when living or visiting Vancouver, BC.
Step 1: Live in a cool neighbourhood.
Vancouver has a ton of trendy neighbourhoods and one way to jump-start your Cool Person Journey is to live in one of them. The hippest neighbourhoods are:
- Commercial Drive
- Mount Pleasant
- East Van
- West End
Step 2: Avoid Tourist Stuff
In 2019, Vancouver had over 11 million visitors! Tourists aren’t cool. They can fuel your economy but they’ll do it while wearing a cartoon moose shirt.
Granville Island has it all! Live theatre, boat rentals, and tourists screaming at seagulls. It’s high on the list of tourist traps in the city for good reason, there’s an abundance of sauntering to be done. From the cement plant to the store that just sells crystals, you will amble your ass off.
It has its redeeming qualities to be sure: The Fringe, the views, the doughnuts. They all make Granville Island, which is not an island, an island worth visiting.
Upon landing in the YVR airport, tourists are promptly escorted to the closest rollerblading rental on the seawall. Are tourists under the impression that Canadians skate? Well, maybe Canadians do, but we’re Vancouverites. We moved here because it’s too warm to freeze. No ice, no dice.
The Steam Clock
This clock in Gastown whistles a tune and then steam comes out of the top. It could either be vaping or crying for help because it’s on fire. No one really knows.
Step 3: Know the city
You can’t be a cool person and not know the local slang. Some of these phrases may seem strange to those new to the city, so drop a few of these phrases into the conversation and you’re Captain Vancouver:
- “My bike got stolen.”
- “Real estate is nuts, huh?”
- “I could never live in Toronto.”
- “I actually like the rain.”
- “My other bike got stolen.”
Step 4: Know the Cool People in Entertainment
Vancouver is sometimes dubbed as “Hollywood North” because the Air Bud films were made here. Being such a hub of entertainment means you gotta know who else is around. Here are a few folks in the industry you might see around town.
Graham (@grahamclark) has been doing standup comedy shows here for over a decade and is recognized city-wide for the rad beard and being everyone’s pal. He co-hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself which is littered with Vancouver references. The coolest.
I’ve seen Katee Sackhoff walking around my neighbourhood a few times lately. You’ll recognize her from Battlestar Galactica, The Mandalorian, and her Instagram. She seems like a genuinely rad person that can easily beat me up (please don’t beat me up).
I realize he’s a super famous guy that makes mainstream movies, but they’re usually good and he always goes to bat for Vancouver in a big way. He once voiced some of the public transit safety instructions, and let me tell you, he’s not the guy you want telling you how to be safe at 7 am. Other than that, he does a great job of shining a light on the city and does well at explaining what’s good here.
Nardwuar the Human Serviette
Not a movie guy, but let’s be honest, he might be the best thing in Vancouver at any given time. He’s been active hosting a radio show, interviewing people, and performing in the punk band The Evaporators since around 1986. He has always claimed Vancouver as his home and is the best dude. No jokes here, he’s just a fantastic and neat guy that is passionate about his craft.
Runners up, don’t actually live here but people think they do?
- Ryan Reynolds
- Colin Mochrie
- David Suzuki
- Bryan Adams
Step 5: Know the Artists
Vancouver has been known as a creative hub for many years, giving a home to many fantastic visual artists. Here are some of the most celebrated.
Bill Reid is a sculptor and painter, whose art depicts the culture of the coastal Haida people. His work is so famous it’s on money, and that stuff is everywhere.
Wall is a renowned photographer that takes the most boring photos that are interesting.
I dunno, I just love his paintings. Check out his Instagram here.
Step 6: Know the Musicians
Vancouver used to be a place where musicians lived. Now it’s too expensive so they’re all Creative Directors at an agency. But it’s cool, they meet up every two weeks to jam.
The world may know her from being Elon Musk’s partner and having their child, X Æ A-12. What Vancouverites know her from is that one time she opened for another musician and we were like “hey, she’s pretty neat”.
D.O.A. is one of the founders of hardcore punk – they’re peers of bands like Black Flag. Joe Keithley (aka Joey Shithead) is the frontman of the band and is now a city councillor in Burnaby, the suburb east of Vancouver.
I think she lived here for a while.
Step 7: Know the mainstream companies
You’ve gotta know the big companies in town. I mean, they control everything from our employment to our food supply so they’re worth buddying up with.
The Giants of Pants. Lululemon and its billionaire founder Chip Wilson are well known in the city for inventing stretchy pants.
It’s the Vancouver CVS, Wallgreens, or Shoppers Drug Mart, depending on where you’re from. The retail chain is famous for having stuff. I mean, all the stuff. I dare you to try and find something not in there.
Taking a ferry twice is fun, but living close to Vancouver means you’ll take 3,000 ferry rides per year. If you’re a tourist and taking a ride, do what the locals do and just stare at your phone with a bored look on your face.
These are the bus people. My take – they’re doing the best they can. Can you imagine being the company responsible for the number 8 Fraser bus? There’s bound to be strife.
By far the best social media management software owl in the city.
This is where everyone gets their outdoor clothing that will last far beyond the trend and time it was designed for. You can’t get rid of it because it’s so well made, but you can’t wear it because it’s from 1997.
Step 8: Insider stuff
Random about town stuff.
Kingsgate + Tinseltown Malls
If you’re looking for swords and alcohol, these malls have you covered. Kingsgate and Tinseltown are Vancouver’s funniest / saddest malls which should probably be turned into shelters or affordable housing. Instead, they’re the reason you took two showers in one day.
If you see a person on rollerskates directing traffic, don’t worry, she’s part of our deal.
This account will do a better job at explaining what’s going on here better than I can. The seabus is a bus on the sea, which is a boat.
More About Vancouver
Vancouver is a city in British Columbia, Canada. It sits on the Coast Salish people’s unceded territories of Squamish, Musqueam, and Tsleil-Waututh.
What it is:
- A North American city of around 750,000 people (metro Vancouver is around 3.1 million)
- A coastal city on the Pacific Ocean
- An ethnically diverse city whose 52% of residents are not native English speakers
What it isn’t:
- The fake Vancouver in the U.S. just north of Portland (seriously just pick another name)
- Located on Vancouver Island
- North Vancouver or West Vancouver, those are actually different cities across the Burrard Inlet
I’m a website strategist and get a lot of people’s websites ranking better on Google. It’s the reason this page ranks first for “coolest person in Vancouver“. If you’d like me to help with your website and traffic, let me know.
Keep your cool
A PDF of this page is available here: The Coolest Person in Vancouver. pdf (620 KB) Feel free to print it out and use it as a Christmas card.
I’m at twitter.com/joshtastic if you have any suggestions or want to know why Ryan Reynolds didn’t make the list.